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19 January 2010 @ 12:13 am
I saw a couple waltzing at the bus stop the other day. In the moonlight. It was beautiful. I couldn't tell if he was teaching her, or she was teaching him. But it was just one of those moments where, where you believe in love all over again.

My hand is stamped. I see two tickets on the coffee table. I pick them up. Decorated in the blues and greens that have come to symbolize 2010 for this city, I am immediately repulsed. Catching a glance at the sticker price, I want to destroy them. Why do these exist? Is this what god had in mind when he created us? Why do these questions always have to come in threes? 

I put them down. Turn my eyes to the feline sitting next to me. Desperate for my attention, he purrs like the outboard motor on a vessel you got from your grandfathers old army buddy.  I feel better when I look at him. It would seem we are both at a point in our lives that we are everyone's lowest priority.

I say that with a matter of fact. I'm not upset about it. Maybe I should be. Maybe I shouldn't. Unhappiness is an infection. It spreads from person to person untill everyone is in this perpetual cycle of miserable.  Why would I want to start that?

So I'll just wait it out. Because I spent my childhood on this couch, and I'm still. here.

Because I am Me. And Me isn't allowed to be upset.

Its not very ladylike.
13 January 2010 @ 07:00 pm
So it appears I have an UTI.

I did some google-ing and it turns out UTI's are commonly caused by an STD call chlamydia. Normally I wouldn't jump to conclusions like this, but from the timing between the last time I had sex and when the symptoms started popping up, is highly suspect.

If Baker gave me an STD I'm going to kill him. I don't care if its treatable.

He'll be glad he's going back to the island.

12 January 2010 @ 10:48 pm
There have been many moments in my life where I find myself wanting to cry, but just can't. Needing air, I go outside. A drop of water will fall off something (an overhang, a sign posting, telephone pole, etc), land in my eye, and roll off my cheek, like a teardrop. This only happens during these moments. It's as if... the cosmos is trying to tell me: "It's okay, go ahead. You'll be alright in the end. Just let it out."

It happened tonight, and it will happen again, when I need it too.

I always feel like the universe is trying to tell me something. Like it has some big plan for me. Heh, and people wonder why I think I am crazy.

Yikes, I need a cigarette. Real bad. I should really just buy a pack and only use them for days like this.

Funny thing. I realized a started smoking a lot this time last year. I think the new year is just hard on my hormones.

I remember when you and I were sitting on the swings in the park. We were both drunk, and I offered you a cigarette. You'd never had one before, so I retracted my offer, but you accepted anyways. I saw myself in you when  you coughed down the smoke. I didn't like seeing you like that... you are so beautiful.

And when it gets down to it... that is why I ignored you when you asked for my help one last time. Maybe you are happy. Maybe it is what you really want. But I know you're pain. And I'm sorry, but I just can't.

I know that makes me an asshole. I wish we didn't constantly treat eachother like shit.

Maybe we both deserve it.
10 January 2010 @ 12:38 am
Whenever I walk down the street and hear a busker making music, I like to pretend I'm starring in the movie of my life. And their music is the soundtrack for my existence in that moment. I can't help but smile and hope it has a happy ending.

He was being really passive aggressive towards me last night. I told him that I could tell when he was upset and to cut the bullshit. He said he was angry because I was flirting with his friend of 15 years. I wasn't. I told him that at the time being, he was the only one I wanted to sleep with. He asked me to come over to his place to spend the night. I agreed.

We didn't get much sleep. I rolled out of bed at 7:45. Still smelling like sex, I wander in the living room to find Morgan and Winston standing there. I was instantly embarrassed. I'm not used to my friends knowing anything about my private life. Untill after the fact, anyways.

I guess thats silly that I am writing about here, eh? In the public forum. Where all things belong.

I went to see fish and bird tonight with Brianne and friends. I liked the bands there, but couldn't focus on the music. My mind kept jumping around to different times.

I think thats my problem. I take these moments from the past and build a nest inside them. I live in these moments. As for the present, like everyone, I'm just passing through.

Passing through.
05 January 2010 @ 08:32 pm
I made you promise because I knew you wouldn't. I guess I don't mind. It just proves my mother was right.

Some of my new years resolutions have remained intact. I'm staying on top of the cleaning. Getting shit done and trying my best. Can't be unhappy about that.

I saw Avatar the other day. I think I'm the only person on the planet that didn't like it. But seriously, whats to like? The characters were boring and 2-dimensional. Plot was weak and predictable. Acting and dialouge.. lets not even go there. I'm sorry but pretty trees aren't enough to pull a bad film through 2 hours and 40 minutes of awfulness. Well, I guess its my fault for going to see a movie I knew I wouldn't like.

We'll be getting a new roommate soon. I'm trying to decide if maybe a female might be better this time. I don't really want to deal with a woman, but they do have better records when it comes to being clean. I'm tired of picking up all their shit.

I want a best friend. I dunno, maybe I'm not capable of having one? Maybe nobody does. You know, the kind that you would do anything for, and they would do anything for you in return. There were moments like that in the past, but not anymore. I think my needs outway what I can give.

Why is it that the nights when all I want to do is get smashed, I have to go to work in the morning?

I love your mustache spiders.
01 January 2010 @ 02:58 pm

Its almost 2:30pm on New Years Day. Part of me wants to just go back to bed. Part of me wants to go out and do something productive. Part of me is tired of being so lazy. Part of me is afraid of the rain.

I guess this is where I say something about 2009. About 2010. Talk about my feelings and so forth. I guess I don't want to. I guess maybe I should.

This year was... well... it had its peaks and valleys. Shit happened. Some very very good things happened. I think it was a good balance. 

I moved out. Forged some new amazing friendships. Lost a few. Found some again. Did a bit of travelling. Developed a slight problem with alcohol. Reorganized my life. Saw some shows. Had a great birthday. Taught myself how to sew and how to paint. Cried on the beach. Laughed till I cried.  So much more.

I'm not the biggest fan of new years resolutions. So every year my promise to myself is the same.

Just... make us proud. Be someone that you would respect. We're not always going to do the right thing, or say the right thing, or mix with the right people. All we can do is try. And thats what I plan to do.

It occured to me late in this year that every negetive experience I've had, has positively effected me. For real. Every broken heart, every broken promise, every broken umbrella has made me a better, stronger, person. I guess I'd just like to continue that trend in the new year.

In the next few days I plan to... throw away/donate a ton of old clothes. Bleach my duvet cover. Clean the apartment. Return borrowed items. Buy a bus pass. Drink chai. Take a nap. Maybe colour my hair. Start the january diet. Be epic.

Okay there you have it. My extremely disorganized new years post. Take from it what you will.
26 December 2009 @ 11:10 pm
I have this wierd thing about glue. I just love it. I love the consistency, I love the colour, I love the way it oozes and finds its way everywhere. Recently I have picked up an old habit. I used to take some ordinary white glue and glob it on to a section of my skin. A short time later, it would be dried totally clear. I liked the way it made my skin look shiny and smooth. I like the pain when you rip it off. I like the perfect impression of my skin that remains on the removed section.

I think I'm the only person in the world that does this. I guess thats what makes me special.

My christmas was alright, I suppose. I have this thing against lots of people and noise. I strongly dislike it. I've just been alone for so much of my life.. I'm not really used to it. Gives me headaches.

I wished I had finished my christmas presents for people. I had this really neat idea, but alas, I had it a little too late and didn't get around to finishing them. I feel like a terrible daughter. I guess I am.

In any case I am happy to be going to the Railway tomorrow. I haven't had any significant time to myself for a while. I know that sounds silly.. how would being around lots of people/noise constitute "time to yourself"? Because I don't know any of them, and they don't know me.

I am determined to have somebody to kiss on new years. I've never had that before. Its about bloody time.
21 December 2009 @ 04:48 pm
Cam and I went to this free show last night. His "hot sound guy" was playing an acoustic set. I really liked it there. The atmosphere was nice, as was the music. I had one of those moments where I looked back on everything in my life that brought me up to that point.

The first time we worked at Juicy Lucy's together.. going for beers at Toby's and talking about his lack of a roommate... my rather impromptu decision to move in... Now 7 months later he's by far one of the best friends I've ever had. Okay, sentimental moment over.

Downer has been acting very strange lately. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want friends, just roommates.. Other times he's inviting us out to stuff. I'm perplexed by this. Hmm.

It's music monday tonight! Also the fighting chance christmas party! I'm kind of excited. Morgan wants to cock block his own brother. I have no idea why someone would do this. Boys are so strange.

Heh, I remember drunkenly going on about how beautiful Victory Square is last night. That was silly.

I'm also starting to ponderNew Years Resolutions. Like most people, I always make them, but never accomplish any of them. I'm starting to think I am too negative. Next year I will focus on only expressing my thoughts in positive ways.

How about you?
19 December 2009 @ 11:28 pm

I feel better now. I had my mini-meltdown. I should be more or less sane for the next little while at least. Woot.

We had our housewarming party last night. It was much fun. Very drunken fun, mind you. Downer didn't come tho. He lied to us about where he was going, and expected we wouldn't figure it out. I think that's silly. If you didn't want to be there for the party, why wouldn't you just say so? Sheesh.

It was nice to have more bonding time with Ben. We don't seem to get much opportunity to hang out with just ourselves. Drunken secrets were shared. It was good times.

Heh, Ben, Shannon and I made this paperbag-man. (http://twitpic.com/u4f4g) We thought he was so awesome. We made a twitter account for him and everything. Then my bed-buddy ripped him up. I have no idea why. I was really sad. But slept with him that night anyway. Sometimes I think I'm too slutty for my own good.


I am getting quite concerned about Cam's drinking. He was beyond hungover this morning. Had a beer for breakfast. Went back to bed. Got a mickey of whiskey and drank it on the way to the blenz party. We only stayed an hour then left to get food, in which he drank more beer. I went home after that and he's now out drinking at some dive bar on hastings.

I can't be the only one that things this really fucked up. Maybe I should say something. Maybe I will.

Oh gosh. I remember, he noticed that the index and middle fingers on his right had were considerably more yellow than the rest of his fingers. The look on his face when he realized that it was as a result of the nicotine... it was a little heartbreaking to be honest. 

I hate watching what he's doing to himself. I don't know what I would do without him.

Hmm. I went to visit Carolyn at the women's craft fair. I haven't seen her in ages. She's one of the only adults in my life that I feel comfortable talking to about all my shit. Shes really super.

I need to take pictures tomorrow. I think I will.
Current Location: Strathcona
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Dan Mangan
18 December 2009 @ 01:02 am
Last night I was hanging out at Cafe Deux Soliels with some peeps. I went to the washroom and noticed one of the toilets had an "out of order" sign on it. Naturally, I jumped the line and went in anyway (having known that it was still operable). The other ladies looked at me funny when I came out.

"Is it really broken?" > "No, well, sort of. You just have to reach in and pull up the stopper. It's really easy." > "Umm. No thanks". > "It's just tap water." > "I think I'd rather wait."

For some reason, this offended my socks off. Maybe it's because I was living in an apartment that had a toilet broken in this fashion for 3 months. Maybe I just resent that this girl was the walking stereotype of "women can't fix anything and don't even try". Maybe I just resent people that fear toilet water for completely idiotic reasons. Regardless, it took everything in my power not to call her a cunt.

I ran into Kacy and Alex today at Metrotown mall. It was kind of nice seeing them. I got curry at the food court. Alex said he'd never had curry before. I told him he hadn't lived until he's had curry. I guess I thought it was kind of an ironic place to be saying such things. Being in a mall food court, surrounded by artificial things is hardly what I would call "living"

Anyways, I had a really nice conversation with Downer this evening. It made me happy once again to have him living with us. We talked about art, literature, the awfulness of suburban teenagers, and how curry was the best food ever made. I confessed that Cam never does the dishes, and it really annoys me sometimes. He told me that he just does them subconsciously. I think I almost squeed with happiness.

He also made an observation about hipsters that I found very interesting. He spoke about how hipsters tend to "destroy culture" and replace it with their own empty version of bohemia. I don't know how true that is today, but I did think it was very enlightened and thoughtful. I miss people like that.

Later on I checked out the "open mic" at trees organics on granville. Really, I just wanted the chance to talk to Paul. I hadn't seen him in months, but he just seems really cool. I didn't expect him to say much to me, but we ended up spending the whole hour that I was there chatting. He told me about how "off the hook" postal worker parties are. He told me how he resented Christmas and never does anything to celebrate it. He told me that he hated musicians (which is ironic, because he is one, fyi). It was really nice. Although, I'm pretty sure he was high. Which did put me off. I hate looking into those red eyes.

On my way home I picked up a copy of the Epoch Times. I've never read this newspaper in my life, but I was struck by the image on the cover. It was of a person getting their organs forcibly removed, while conscious. Startled, I looked closer to find the the "photograph" was actually a painting. It was just so realistic, so classical, so elegant... yet so horrifying. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Definitely something for keeps.